Identity In The Void

What do you do when you're diagnosed with a debilitating illness, can't swallow solid food, can't work in your full-time CEO role anymore, can't walk very far without pain, fatigue, exhaustion or collapse and can't enjoy most of life’s good things? Why, publish a book and retrain as a masters level coach of course!  

Hah! - ridiculous I hear you cry;  hilarious even! Let’s add further layers of pressure and expectation to a burned out and traumatised mind, body and soul…..not the course of action I’d recommend. 

Yet, this is where my Type A personality led me, and I’ve learned a lot about my ambition, drive and what success really looks like in the last few years (the secret sauce - it’s all about balance!). 

In my new book ‘Too Hard to Swallow’,  I talk in more detail about my personal journey of chronic illness, living every day with debilitating symptoms and being forced to rewrite your life blueprint and the very foundations of your identity. 

When roles change, pre-existing titles (earned or otherwise) are taken away, and even previously defining tasks are no longer met nor matched by your capacity…..you are forced to re-curate yourself at a soul level. 

In my book, I call this your unique authentic self-signature and what I mean by this is the deep excavation of who you are beneath the surface; beneath the masks and roles worn when realities shift.

I asked myself recently:

• “If I'm no longer the head of the council, the breadwinner, the leader and manager, then who exactly am I?’

• “If I’m no longer the corporate chic high-heeled smarty pants whose pavement is the cat-walk, who am i? 

• “If I'm no longer the mum at the school gates, to-ing and fro-ing, (because I can’t physically do it) - then who am I?” 

• “If I'm no longer the cocktail coiffing, fun-to-be-around dancing soul of the party, then who am I?”

• “If I'm no longer the little mountain goat clambering through forests and picnicking at waterfalls, then who am I?”

• “If I'm no longer a goddess in the boudoir (because putting anti-inflammatory gel on your hips in a tricky position is such a passion faux pas), then who exactly am I?”

It's made me ponder a lot on my shifting identity. 

Will these labels (either self-made or societally dealt), identities or past roles return? 

Are they temporarily dialled down, paused or forever gone? 

Are they morphing, mutating into new identities, new labels, new categorisations……..and if so, where are the practices and the support structures for going through such turbulence? 

I learned in therapy about the Passengers on the Bus metaphor, often used in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), that helps individuals understand their relationship with thoughts and emotions. I’m not a therapist, but can hopefully outline that in this metaphor, you are the bus driver (in control of the bus), and your thoughts, emotions, memories, and sensations are the passengers (they can be helpful, unhelpful or neutral). 

The bus represents your life, and the road is the journey you take through life, stopping at different places, with passengers getting on and off. I believe that the core idea here is that you can learn to observe, notice, and accept these passengers’ presence, and still continue to drive your bus towards your values and goals. 

When I did this exercise myself some years ago, I came up with some real caricatures as the passengers on my bus - all the different views, core beliefs, attitudes, values, memories, identities and roles that have influenced or shaped me - and boy, were there an eclectic mix!; a mother hen with her chicks, Boudica the warrior, a cheerleader, a rebellious rock chick, a judge, a philosopher, an explorer, an academic, even an anglican priest! A list of 30 different characters, values, or identities that I somehow connected to, some showing up as being ‘lost’ at the beginning of this writing in fact.

Is this a new kind of identity crisis? 

Not yet a peri-menopausal advent for me as a 40 year old woman; not quite an empty-nest crisis (though I’ve semi-launched my son and my daughter is growing up very quickly); not a typical mid-life crisis  (though I did purchase a longed-for dark green MX5 with tan leather seats last year)...... but a crisis of the space in between. 

For me, a space that has been carved out by chronic illness, though for you, it may be something else. 

The question I’ve been mulling over is how do we thrive in what I’m calling the void?

There are lots of different lenses through which we can explore this concept of thriving or flourishing in the void: through a health system lens, a therapeutic lens, a sociopolitical lens, and given my expertise, I’m going to attempt to explore this through a self-help and coaching lens.

I've often written about and mused upon the space in between -  whether between illness and wellness, between the old and the new, between where you once were, but not yet where you want to be (this is a recurring theme in my book). 

Maybe the space between is the void where we most need support; on the precipice of real change, teetering on the edge, but not yet able to take the leap. Treading water, feeling a little more lost, a little more invisible, a little more useless or uncertain of who we really are.

Reflection in this space

If you're in the space between, if you're in the void, (the stuck place that is in the way of all you want to be and all you are dreaming of), maybe, try and see the pause as the perfect place for reflection. 

Use it to assess:

• What exactly is holding you back?

• What is stopping you?

• What are you feeling frustrated or confused about?

• Where are you feeling stuck and why might that be?

I invite you to explore how you can use the void as a tool to get comfortable being in that discomfort, to illuminate the challenges and unpack what needs to change for you. 

You may choose to do so through some compassionate self-enquiry, journaling, or through the support of a coach or therapist if you want some more professional support with the exploration.

The space between is often seen as a place we want to speed through, hurry up, get onto the next better iteration of, the next bigger brighter thing…….. but what if we could lean in a little more? 

Lean into the echoey identity-less amorphous place.

What if we could maximise this place to be open to new opportunities, different timelines and tap into our undiscovered gifts and strengths? 

Maybe, we can use the void as a temporary escape lane to really slow us down and enable us to check in with our true selves, our true desires, our true passions and interests. 

Maybe we can explore our true purpose once the societal attributes and expected roles have been utterly decloaked by the void itself?

We can also use the space to reflect, to review, to look back at our progress and how far we've come, as well as to consider where we might go next.

How about we flip the narrative and expand into this space, rather than shrinking who we think we are or trying to re-find who we once were. 

Let's normalise growing to fill the space between - (are you thinking expanding foam right now, I know I am!)?

Coaching the void

This is where evidence-based coaching frameworks can truly support transformation - to switch on your healing state and get to the root of what is really going on for you. 

It might be about exploring emotions, maybe processing change, letting go of outdated identities, accepting new situations, setting new goals or possibly seeing things with a new perspective. 

Coaching could be a great tool to pause in this space to rebuild capacity, sustainably expand emotional bandwidth and resilience.  There are a variety of coaching models, frameworks, and tools that can help you think differently, expansively, and with less pressure while you’re in the void. 

Lessons from the void

For me, the space between has helped me rediscover my authentic self. I’ve reassessed my values, what I prioritise and now know what helps me to flourish, to thrive and to be well. 

I have clarity on how my stress-signature shows up, and what I need for my optimal wellness. I’ve developed a supportive toolkit to help reduce or mitigate dysregulation, return to my baseline, and prevent further burnout. 

I’ve built a new routine that works for me, supports my wellbeing and accepts and acknowledges a different identity that embodies and integrates all I’ve learned into a unique wellness-signature that underpins who I am today.

Who am I as I write this piece? Currently, I’d say that I’m in my self-help author and ethical coach identity. This may change again in the coming months, years, decades ahead - and that’s a good thing! I’m well prepared for the space ‘in between’ and not in any rush to wish it away. 

I’m enjoying a new, slower pace of life and a new prioritisation of me, which the space between - the void - has birthed.

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Chronic illness advocate, coach, and newly published author, Emily Forbes, is the founder of Wylde Wellbeing, a platform offering 1:1 coaching, support, and advocacy for women living with chronic conditions, burnout, and fatigue. After two decades in the public and third sector—including nine years as a Town Council CEO—she stepped away from full-time work at 40 to prioritise her own health. Living with complex chronic illnesses and on a liquid-only diet since 2021, she uses her personal experience to empower others to live well with illness, not despite it. Her debut book, Too Hard to Swallow, blends memoir and self-help, sharing her journey to diagnosis, practical tools for self-care, and a framework for finding wellness within illness. She also co-hosts the Sick of It Podcast, creating space for candid, supportive conversations around chronic illness and disability.