Not Guilty

I long.

Sometimes

in the mirror,

I can see guilt in my eyes.

Only when I think of you.

I don’t have many regrets.

A few.

Countable.

You’re one of them.

Why?

I didn’t even do anything wrong.

Why does guilt eat me up?

Why do I feel this way?

Why do I burn myself in my own fire?

Perhaps it was because I didn’t try.

Or because I pushed you away.

Somehow,

maybe,

but you’re stuck with me.

In my mind,

you live in my head.

Coffee reminds me of you.

Pink flowers,

energy drinks,

milkshakes,

tangerines,

and the colour blue.

And this reminds me of my guilt.

Was I inconsistent?

Did I confuse you?

I probably did.

I’m so sorry,

I say for the umpteenth time.

As if you can hear me somehow.

Not to get you back,

No.

I don’t deserve you.

I wish you well.

I apologise.

So that my guilt

can leave me in peace.

_

Gloria Nyagaka is Kenyan and just completed her Bachelor's degree in Geology.

She has been a writer for six years now. Her manuscript is the biggest project she’s ever done, a modern romantic thriller, is in the hands of her literary agent. It is a book that expresses great female characters and the strength of a woman at large. She mostly campaigns against women violence and for freedom for women to choose. She also focuses on how great women have changed the world, Michelle Obama, Serena Williams, Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie and others. She is a swimmer, a swim coach, a Taekwondoka, hockey player, and a dancer.