Mom Guilt – That Unwavering Constant

I remember when my first-born was one month old, we decided to have our first day out as a family. I got ready, stuffing that extra pile of post-pregnancy pounds in a nice dress, and my swollen feet into heels. Oh, that callow feeling of things coming back to normal! Young parents can be so naïve! We entered the restaurant with the glow of new parenthood, holding the carry-cot like a trophy. We were guided to our table on which we placed our prized possession (aka baby in the carry-cot) and sat ourselves down with the wide smiles that wouldn’t leave our faces alone. What a good day! A thought that came a bit too early, ‘cause within minutes someone ran past our table spinning the carry-cot, which landed in slow motion; first the cot, then the blankey and then the baby himself! I remember my hands slowly reaching out to my ears (instead of the baby) and I let out a shrilling shriek!

I don’t know about the baby, but I was terrified! Why was he still sleeping? What if he got hit on his tiny head? What if his neck got a bad jerk? The “What to Expect” series had already prepared me for the worst! How could I let this happen? How could I let my baby down so soon! My husband and I barely ate anything, we came back home feeling supremely guilty and never told anyone about the accident.

If only someone could tell me that it was just the start. Soon enough came baby 2, 3 and 4! Bringing along laughter, craziness and truck loads of guilt. 

Guilt. A constant factor in a mom’s life. It’s real you guys! If only someone had warned me about it, I would have aborted the mom-hood mission even before it started. I was the girl who was constantly losing things, keys, mobiles, airplane tickets, documents, you name it. Most of my life I’ve been trying to remember where I kept my things and to be given four kids to take care of, let me tell you how it has been for me. Guilt, guilt, and some more guilt! Guilt for not feeding them enough, guilt for over-feeding them. Guilt for changing the diaper too late. Guilt for too much screen time. Guilt for forgetting to send in the assignment. Guilt for shouting at them. Guilt for being too easy. 

Fifteen years of solid motherhood and unwavering guilt later, let me tell you that the feeling of not being a good enough mom never leaves your side. It becomes your reflex, your shadow and a friend which lay by your side at night making you wonder what kind of human beings they’ll become. It makes you question yourself in ways you never imagined.

But there is a parallel constant lurking there alongside it. A constant, that is often hushed by the dominant guilt. And that constant is the love and the incessant presence of a mother in her children’s life. We play this silly game sometimes; where I tell my kids, “I don’t like you”, to which my kids say “because you love me”. God forbid if it is giving any negative subliminal signals to their brain, in which case, I am doomed (guilt alert!) but I play this game repeatedly with them, do you know why? Because I adore how they promptly reply, “because you love me” without batting an eyelash. It’s a comfort, that at least they know that they are severely and passionately loved by their mom. If my reflex is the guilt, their’s is the surety that this clumsy, good-for-nothing mama loves them to the moon and back!

We were never meant to perfect. We were supposed to these imperfect parents who were entrusted by God with these beautiful kids. The point is to never give up. The point is to build up on that unwavering love till the time that’s the only thing they remember. Guilt stays with us while our love stays with them.

“I was always fraught with guilt, it’s such a waste of an emotion. It keeps you out of the moment of being where you are.” – Kyra Sewick

Happy mom-hood you guys.