Adebusola Akinyele, A Modern Day Matchmaker
Matchmakers have been present throughout history and have played a major role in helping people find love. With our never-ending conquest to find the one, you would be happy to know that it has been made a little easier with the return of the Matchmaker.
Adebusola Akinyele is a certified Matchmaker and founder of The Love Dynasty based in Houston who is helping Houstonites find their match. She is a lover of love and works tirelessly to ensure her clients find the right person that will share the same goals and values in life as them.
MR: How did you meet your husband?
AA: My husband and I met in January 2015 and by August of the same year, we were married.
MR: Oh, wow.
AA: Yeah I know. That was six and a half years ago and we're still going strong.
MR: I love that!
AA: So, I know we met in the most unconventional way possible. At the time I was working as a Nurse at a pre-op and PACU centre and one of my coworkers told me about an online dating site that I should try, so I decided to give it a go. At the same time, my husband was being told by his friend to sign up to the same site and we matched.
I actually didn’t go on a date with him, I chose a different guy although my Auntie thought otherwise. She thought my husband was handsome, cool and humble but I wasn’t getting that vibe from him so I went on a date with the other guy. The date was awful, he didn’t ask me any questions about myself and I felt like he didn’t want to really get to know me.
I ended up chatting to my husband on the platform and I eventually gave him my number and our first date was so amazing because it just felt like we had known each other for a very long time.
MR: Aww, I love that! When you know, you know.
Do you think dating has changed in the last 10 years?
AA: Dating has definitely changed in the last 10 years. We've gone past the times when you could meet someone through your friends or at a coffee shop or whatever. I tell people that they can meet people and that they don’t have to be stuck in a box, try something new, do things you may not normally do, what have you got to lose? Put yourself out there.
MR: Exactly, I totally agree. I was rather lucky because I met my husband when I was really young, we were in college, which is like high school for you guys, we eventually got married years later. So, I haven’t experienced dating in the past 15 years and I’ve never used any of the apps like Tinder and Bumble but a lot of my friends have and you can find love on them, it just depends on what you’re looking for and what you want to get, get out of it. I guess you just have to be ready and take it seriously.
AA: Exactly. You have to be ready and you have to be intentional about dating as well. A lot of times people aren’t dating with a purpose but when you know what you want, you’re able to weed out the things that you don’t want in a relationship. The reason why I started my matchmaking business was that I felt like there was so much opportunity out there for people but people weren’t willing to take advantage of it. We hire recruiters when we're looking for jobs and you give them your resume highlighting specifically what you're looking for and that's basically what I do as a matchmaker. I take your “resume” and help you find a potential life partner.
MR: Exactly and also, when you’re dating you realise that the list you initially had is not what you wanted at all.
AA: Exactly and I think one of the mistakes that people make is we mistake dating with courtship. Dating is relational, conversational, where you're meeting people, you're relating with them, having conversations with them and you're trying to get to know them, that is the state that you should be in when you're dating. Just because you went on a first date with someone it doesn't automatically mean that you're in a relationship with them or that you’re courting them, so you can date as many people as you want, as long as your expectations are made clear.
MR: There are so many apps these days that make finding someone as easy as ordering a pizza. Do you think the market has become saturated, making people unsure of what they want?
AA: There are a lot of platforms out there. It's almost become like a game, you know? When you don't know what you want and you don't know who you are, you begin to second guess yourself. Before you start looking for love you have to know yourself, you have to know what you want out of life, otherwise, you’re going to be walking in the shadow of someone else's identity, you're going to try to conform to that person's identity.
MR: Yeah exactly, it’s so important to know yourself and what you want in life so when you do meet the right person you don’t second guess yourself, you’re just sure that they are the right person for you. How did you get into matchmaking?
AA: So it is something that I’ve always loved doing, it’s always been a part of me. I’ve always been that friend who’s like hey, you're single, he's single why don’t you guys get together. I love restoring hope in people who have given up on finding relationships, there are a lot of people that want to find love but don't know how. That's kind of how I got into it and I gained the knowledge and training needed for me to be a certified Matchmaker.
MR: How does the matchmaking process begin, what do you talk about in the consultation?
AA: So with the initial concept consultation I start by asking them to fill out our database form with basic information like age, ethnicity and location. During the first consultation, it’s more about getting to know my client and understanding what they want if they are ready to date seriously.
And then once we do that and have determined that you're going to be a good fit we then work with you to create a profile and really get to know your background, your family history, hobbies and discuss what you’re really looking for in a partner. We really get to know you personally and our approach is personalised to you as an individual. Once we clearly know what your vision is in terms of your ideal relationship we search for your right match and once we find them we notify you. We set up the date for you, we book the restaurant and everything so all you have to do is show up.
MR: Do you ever get people signing people up on their behalf?
AA: Oh yes, absolutely. I have had that happen before and I have had to tell them that although they really want you to get married, you may not be ready or even want to. That may not be where you are at that point in your life, you’ve got to make that decision for yourself.
MR: Definitely!
How do you match people and how do you know they’re right for each other?
AA: We have people that come in with a long list of things and you kind of have to be the mama bear and the voice of reason and say, Hey, I know this is important, but some things are just not important in a relationship. It’s important to have shared values and common interests. Those things are going to help you stay in a long-lasting relationship. So we kind of have to narrow it down to those things and use that information to help our clients find someone that shares those same goals and I cannot stress this enough when your vision with your significant other does not align your relationship may not last. So, we match people based on shared values, shared goals and vision alignment.
MR: What is your usual clientele?
AA: So, our user age range is from 25 to 65, men and women. There are quite a few older men or older women that are also looking for love as well who may be divorced, widowed or single and they need love too, they need that companionship. Everyone needs love, and I'm all about love, happiness, peace and bliss.
MR: I love that. That's awesome because usually on a lot of apps or dating sites they have a set age range which is usually for younger people and older people often have to use an age-specific app or dating site.
AA: We want to help everyone find love. The reason why we start at the age of 25 is that on average that's when people start thinking about what they want in life and are trying to settle themselves financially and personally.
MR: Yeah I think that's true, like I knew he was my person from the start but I didn't start thinking about marriage until I was 27.
AA: Yes. Which is good because I think the mistake that a lot of people make is focusing on the idea of marriage, their knight in shining armour instead of who that knight is. The things that you wanted when you were 19 or 21 are totally different to what you want when you are 25 years old or older and then when you look back at those choices you may be asking yourself what the heck was I thinking? Sometimes you have those nostalgic moments where you think back on your life and think about the guys you've dated and you may be shocked at some of your choices. Think about it this way, our frontal lobe that is responsible for our effective reasoning only fully develops between the ages of 24 to 26, so that's when you start to really think about your life.
MR: Also, when you're younger you think of age differently like 27 seems so old when you’re 16. When I was a kid I thought I would be married and have my first kid by that age but when I actually got to that age you realise that you’re still so young and that you’re still figuring your life out.
AA: And that's why some people who marry young end up getting divorced because they got married before they knew who they really were or they grew apart from their partner. Who they were back then is not who they are now and sometimes that may cause conflict in a relationship, your partner may be questioning why you’re not the same person they married. People change as they get older, they evolve and sometimes your partner doesn’t evolve with you, thus causing conflict.
MR: You should be growing together and changing together. You might not be into the same, like my husband and I don’t like all the same things. We were adolescents when we met, we met at 16.
AA: And the reason why it worked is because you guys grew together, you were evolving and changing together. Can you imagine if you were growing at a different speed than your husband, and he still stood in that adolescent mode? I don’t think it would work, you know. It's so beautiful, I love your story, your story is amazing. I just love that.
MR: Aww, thanks so much! Matchmaking websites and matchmaking services have grown in popularity over the years, how does your service differ from others? What makes you stand out?
AA: What makes us stand out is our personalised and curated approach to dating. My niche market is with African professionals and being Nigerian I understand the cultures and I understand the role our culture and parental guidance plays in finding a spouse. I'm able to relate to African professionals better because I've been there and I've done that, you know, I've been in their place once and I can understand how to navigate through it which is why I can help them do the same.
Plus, you know our excellent customer service!
MR: No, I love that. I think it’s important to show black people in healthy relationships because the media often shows us in a negative light, when they show relationships with black people it’s always negative and full of tropes like the absentee father. Yes, that may be some people's experience but it’s not everyone’s. Like my parents showed me what a healthy and loving relationship looks like, where there was mutual respect and love and I’m so grateful for that.
AA: And people tend to feed into their negativity as well, that's why I tell singles out there that the first step into having that healthy relationship that you want is believing that you can get it, regardless of all the negativity around you, you just have to have a positive mindset and be open, you have to speak that healthy relationship into existence, you know? It's so much easier to get sucked in into what the media is feeding us, even our family history plays a part in our choices. Growing up I didn't really see a lot of healthy relationships around me, so I kind of had these notions about marriage. It wasn't until I met my husband and we started talking about our relationship goals and visions that I realised what a healthy relationship can be. He really taught me so much, he taught me a lot about how our life does not have to be dependent on our history or our family history and everything else that we've seen around us, we can create our own story because we're the ones that have to live our lives and we can choose to have that healthy relationship.
It starts from your mindset and you have to believe in yourself, and again, it starts with you. You have to ask yourself what you want out of life. If you want a healthy relationship then that's what you're going to get, that's what you are going to strive for until you find it.
MR: Absolutely. I love that.
What advice do you give your client before they go on their first date?
AA: Be open-minded. I think that's the most important thing. I remember I matched two people one time and their first date was a virtual date which went on for three hours, they really liked each other, really vibed and had a lot of good energy. But then when they had a physical date where they met each other it didn’t quite go as well. After the date, the guy was really keen to meet her again and thought she was amazing and that she could be the one but she thought otherwise, she was really turned off by the way he treated their waiter and wasn’t interested in meeting him again.
MR: Yeah, that's a big thing. That's such a character flaw, to me how people treat those around them speaks volumes. Also, I think if that had happened after they'd been dating for a while, she would've felt comfortable enough to call him out and it may not have been as big of an issue.
AA: Yeah exactly. She just didn't like the way he acted towards the waiters. Like he felt like he was above everyone and her heart, just sunk to her stomach. That's why it's always so important to be nice to people and you may not always necessarily agree with what they're doing, but you don't have to be so mean about it. It’s so important to leave a good lasting impression when you meet people which is why I implore my clients to put their best foot forward.
You want your date to speak positively about you after your date, even if they decide you’re not right for them, you still want them to think you’re a good person. You never know, they may know someone else who may be right for you.
MR: Exactly, you can complain in a nice way if you need to by being empathetic and understanding towards that person. I’ve met so many people who I would never date but are the nicest people and I’ve kept them in my life because of that.
AA: Exactly which is why I always encourage my clients to be nice, attentive and conversational on their dates.
It was a shame, it really was because I think they would've been good together. So there have been instances like that where they sound really good on paper until they go out on that date and then you know ok, that person is going to need coaching but they have to be willing and open to it.
But all in all, love is a beautiful thing when you are with the right person and I can't stress that enough. It may not be perfect at all times, that's to be expected because we’re all human and we’re all flawed, nobody's perfect.
MR: Exactly, relationships take work. You have to choose each other every day.
AA: Constant work. Like even though I've been married for six years, it's a constant daily decision that I choose to show up for my marriage.
Obviously, there are times when my husband would piss me off, but I still love him and want to be in the same space with him. There's nobody else I'd rather do this marriage thing with, than him.
MR: Exactly, that's the reality of love and a lifelong commitment to someone.
Do you have a strict set of rules that your clients have to follow? For instance, in The Millionaire Matchmaker, Patti Stanger has a strict rule of no sex on the first date.
AA: So initially I didn't, but recently I have thought about the rules because you expect that people are adults and they're going to make the right moral decisions but most times they don't and that's what really gets them heartbroken.
And that's why I said initially that we need to really understand the meaning of dating versus courting because when you add sex in the mix, especially when you start having sex with someone before really getting to know who they are, that's where the heartbreak comes in. At that point, you may feel like you’ve given them a piece of yourself and maybe a part of your soul has been taken away and when that goes wrong and you realise that isn’t the person for you, it can really hurt. So I now push the rule of no sex on the first date because I really want my clients to really get to know each other and not just jump right in before they’re ready.
MR: What have you learnt about relationships from your clients?
AA: So from my clients, I have that you have to treat people as individuals. People come from different backgrounds, different cultures, so you have to treat that person as an individual. Nobody is the same and no one is ever perfect. There is no one size fits all especially when it comes to relationships, and love, you just have to find the person that fits your needs, your values and goals in life.
MR: Do you get updates from clients you have matched in the past?
AA: Oh, yeah. Sometimes they will send me pictures and maybe some of the trips that they've gone on or updates on what's going on in their lives like if they’re getting married or having babies. So there are always beautiful moments shared with us which warms my heart because that's what drives us to do what we do. That's what makes it gratifying and satisfying for us.
MR: Aww, I absolutely love that.
Ok, last question, name three things you can’t do without?
AA: I can not do without God. God is my foundation and I can't do it without him in my life in every single thing that I do, secondly, my family. My family is my motivation and they keep me going and keep me grounded. Another thing that I cannot do without is singing, I love to sing. So those are three things I can't do without.
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