Does Gen-Z really face the toughest challenges in dating compared to other generations? Read on for a Gen-Z writer’s viewpoint on the current dating scene and the lessons she has learned from unsuccessful dates, while aiming to stay optimistic.

I have noticed a subtle difference in how Millennials are asked the dreaded question at family gatherings — “Have you met someone?” — and how Gen-Z encounters the same sentiment: “How bad is it?”

The way our loved ones inquire about our romantic lives shows a significant shift in dating expectations and patterns across generations. While our relatives likely met their partners during a night out, Millennials and Gen Z mainly connect through digital means. Although Millennials spent their 20s clubbing, drinking, and normalising casual hook-up culture, Gen-Z grew up during a pandemic and its aftermath. As a result, we are a socially anxious, people-skills-lacking generation with shorter attention spans. Amid a growing divide between young men and women, driven by insidious content and ideologies online, dating has become a real-life arena reminiscent of The Hunger Games: the winners don’t necessarily couple up, but they’ve outperformed the rest.

On a personal level, my dating experience, though limited — because I like someone once every third new iPhone launch — is not as bleak as the internet might suggest. Of course, it hasn’t resulted in anything so far, but most are amusing anecdotes about why the person wasn't a match, rather than a gloomy 18th-century poem. In general, I have found that real-life dating is rarely as bad as the internet portrays it to be. After all, the loudest stories on the internet are always the worst ones. Perhaps it’s part of human nature and our innate need for survival that we pay more attention to potential dangers. When I shift my focus to real-life encounters, things are not perfect, but there is humour and hope in them, somewhere.

I want to explore some of the insights I have gathered from my dating experience, which will shed light on the current situation without the dramaturgy of social media and offer some optimistic advice.

The Market Isn’t Horrible, It Is Just Not Innovative Enough

To start off with, the fish in the sea aren’t all that horrible; more often than not, they are pretty okay, and sometimes it is just one thing that keeps them from being great. Whenever I meet someone with whom I have great chemistry and a lot of common interests, they are not interested in a committed relationship, and I don’t care for casual. That doesn’t make them horrible; it just doesn’t make them perfect for me.

At other times, I have met men with a great setup in life (career, family, friends, health), but they lack crucial dating skills, such as asking questions in return (see point 3). And then there’s also the opposite, guys who have excellent relational skills but who have figured nothing else out in life. None of them is terrible; most of them are doing pretty well, but they’re all one thing away from being perfect. This shift in perspective is keeping me more positive because what would be horrible is if men only had one thing going for themselves (of which there are specimens on both ends of the gender spectrum).

Do Not Fall for The Propaganda of Feminine Energy

“If you want to harness your divine feminine energy, you have to become soft, gentle, agreeable, and slim-thicc.” These types of guru videos are prevalent on social media, targeting women who struggle to find the right male partner. They promise that a traditionally masculine man will only come to a traditionally feminine woman, and I believed it. I tried being less dictative, as I have been called on numerous occasions, and people have responded well. It turns out that agreeability makes someone nice to be around, but not particularly feminine.

When I think of my ideal male partner, I would love for him to be soft and gentle with me, too. And I would still think of him as “masculine” because those attributes have nothing to do with gender, but all with character. This led me to write an article about the propaganda of feminine energy and its impact on dating expectations on my blog. It made me realise that I have been too focused on finding a proper man as opposed to finding a great character, and for that, I don’t need to reject parts of myself that don’t align with the divine feminine (e.g., I shave my chin hair).

Communicate What Bothered You, Even If You Don’t Plan on Seeing Them Again

In a recent Gen-Z Dating Diaries story I shared on Vocal.media, I recount a time when I went on a date with a guy who was very interesting and impressive, but he didn’t ask me a single question, not even when I interjected with things we had in common. I felt like I was sitting in a theatre, forced to endure one long first-person monologue, when the ticket had specifically stated “interactive”. It took a strenuous effort to remind myself of my resolution from point one: that this man was not horrible, he was just one thing away from perfect. Why waste this much potential when he could be so great?

At the end of the date, I resolved to tell him why I didn’t want to see him again, instead of the usual “I had a great time, it was nice to meet you,” and then ghost him. And then the most magical thing happened…he apologised! We didn’t see each other again, but the usual frustration was replaced by the hope that he might ask someone a question in the future! I might have changed the trajectory of his life, so speak up when something bothers you.

It Should Be Giving a “Late Night Show” Rather Than a Job Interview

In honour of Stephen Colbert’s final season of the legendary “Late Night Show”, I was browsing through some of his most-watched interviews, and my favourite had to be the first time Nicki Minaj was on his show to promote her album, Queen. Stephen’s Catholic, god-fearing, nerdy Midwest charm contrasts sharply with Minaj’s gangster swag and urban sass. He wears a tailored suit and thick-rimmed glasses, while she sports a pink wig and a tight bodycon dress that highlights every curve, of which Nicki has no shortage. In theory, it shouldn’t work, but in practice, it surpasses all expectations. Not only do they attempt to understand each other's worlds, but they also stay true to their own identities and mannerisms.

The chemistry that results is delightful and leaves both curious about what might happen next. If you think about it, this would have been the perfect first date, and although Nicki did shoot her shot, Colbert quickly reminded her of his loving wife watching from home. My point is that Stephen’s expert interviewing skills don’t require Nicki to impress him with her credentials, unlike a job interview. Honestly, my own dating approach eerily resembles a job interview because I am desperate to be impressed; however, this method doesn't allow for a more personal way of getting to know someone for who they really are, rather than what they are.

Dismiss the Internet Labelling

As previously mentioned, the internet portrays only the worst aspects of modern dating, and the average in-between experiences, which make up most of our encounters, get lost in the sea of sensationalised content created for likes, interaction, and virality. For the sake of our peace of mind, we should reframe our outlook on dating because, regardless of whether you believe in manifestation or the law of attraction, if you have learned to expect the worst, your behaviour will be very defensive.

I find myself less intrigued to get beyond the first few faux pas, often the result of nervousness; instead, I immediately categorise my date into what type of guy he is, as dictated by the internet. Is he a fuck boy? Lover boy? City boy? Incel? Manospherist? I try to remember what the former FBI lady said on that podcast about narcissists and how to detect them. Wait, he’s kind and attentive?

Now, I have to be careful it’s not a guise for lovebombing, help! Most of my dates revolve around checking off a mental pros and cons list, looking for red and green flags and asking targeted questions with only one correct answer. Now that I think about it, I probably make men feel like they’re on trial, and I am the barrister bent on proving their guilt without ever assuming their innocence first. Since this is against the law, I am trying to leave behind social media categories and focus solely on enjoying the company of a new person, letting my intuition guide the rest.

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Isabella Wimmer runs a mentality, health & wellbeing, arts & culture blog called A Piece for Peace while completing her Master’s in publishing. During her undergraduate studies in Anthropology, from which she draws inspiration for my writing, she has previously written for student newspapers, as well as working as a freelance copywriter in between. For the past three years, she has worked in the film and TV industry as a Production Assistant, and she now aims to gain editorial experience to become a publisher and Development Producer one day.

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