Quisamorous: okay in a relationship, okay single
What is your plan B if no one marries you? Answer quickly!
If you’re anything like me, this question isn’t difficult to answer. And that’s because you and I are one of the few quisamorourists living in a world filled with (serial) monogamists.
The world will tell you that it’s terrible of you to ponder a life without romantic love in it, let alone have a plan for one. But let me be the first to tell you that it’s perfectly normal. You are perfectly normal.
For many people, What is your plan B if no one marries you? is a difficult question to answer. Who could blame them? We live in a patriarchal society that shoves marriage and kids down our throats and tells us we’re incomplete without either.
The huge secret, of course, is that this couldn’t be further from the truth. Fortunately, many people—women especially—are finally waking up to this truth.
The decentering of romantic love
Research from the Thriving Center of Psychology reveals that 17% of Millennials and Gen Z have no plans to marry, viewing the institution as outdated and not a genuine measure of commitment. Additionally, a study by Tinder found that among 17,000 respondents, 72% of Millennials and 75% of Gen Z are intentionally choosing to stay single.
At every corner of the internet, you will find personal essays, TikToks and YouTube videos about someone embracing a life that decenters romantic love. Either due to the horrible dating pool or because of a sudden realisation that there's more to life than romantic love
It’s also become widely known that unmarried women (with or without children) are happier than their married peers.
If not romantic love, then what?
Of the many concerns people have regarding being single, the one question people battle with is, if not romantic love, then what? What is life without romantic love? Short answer? Expansive.
Without romantic love, life is filled with all sorts of possibilities.
Don’t get me wrong, you can still live a happy, fulfilled, adventurous life with someone by your side. And having someone by your side probably makes it special in a way that single people couldn’t or wouldn’t understand. But it’s simply a fact that being single provides you with the freedom and autonomy that a romantic relationship could never.
Additionally, romantic love is not essential to our survival. No one needs romantic love for sustenance, fulfilment or self-actualising. What we need is community: the one thing that often tends to suffer while we’re busy prioritising romantic love and the nuclear family.
That same freedom and community is where our happiness lies.
Introducing quisamory
As with anything, the key to normalising something is to give it a name. To give it meaning, which is precisely what I’ve done.
As someone whose relationship with romantic love has always been great if it happens, great if it doesn’t, I figured people similar to me needed a term to normalise our experience of love.
A term we could use to share with curious people who are open to alternative lifestyles. A term we could use to swat the pesky patriarchal propaganda promoters away.
Quisamorous (pronounced kwee-am-orus) refers to a person whose sense of happiness and fulfilment is not defined by romantic love. They are happy and will continue to be, whether or not they find “the one.”
If this sounds like you, then congratulations! You’re quisamorous. Your life doesn’t begin or end with the existence of romantic love, but becomes or remains enriched regardless of its presence.
People will pity you and tell you that your life isn’t complete without romantic love, but I implore you to live your life on your own terms. If that means seeking out romantic love, great! If it means seeking endless adventures and community, also great!
Your life is not a democracy, and the only one whose say really matters is your own.
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Kelley Nele is a seasoned relationship and sex expert and writer renowned for her brilliant insight and witty commentary. She has a background in sexology, psychology and philosophy, and has dedicated the past eight years of her life to edifying people on topics pertaining to dating, relationships, sex and sexuality through her coaching practice, blog, podcast and published articles. Her byline has featured in numerous international publications such as Reader’s Digest UK and Metro UK, while her expert comments have featured in publications such as Cosmopolitan, Women’s Health, and more. In her free time, Keletso can be found sketching, dancing and restaurant-hopping with friends.
Instagram: https://instagram.com/kelley.nele
Website: https://kelleybnele.wordpress.com
