Solitude: How To Use Your Alone Time to Build Confidence, Charisma, and Sex Appeal

The other day my client asked if she could switch the conversation on me and ask me a few "unconventional questions." Thrilled and curious, I might add, I immediately replied:

“Absolutely! Whatever you feel you need to bring forward... “and then leaned into my screen to show her that she had my full attention.

She shifted in her seat, cleared her throat, and with one big breath, she said:

“Okay, how do you build sex appeal?”

I tried not to smile or laugh and did my best to keep the coach's poker face on, but it was so sweet I couldn't help myself. We'd been Zooming for over six months discussing her relationship with her mother and daughter, and no conversation had the word sex in it.

She went on to say:

"After a full year of social distancing, Zoom meetings, and living in sweatpants; I'm worried about losing my edge."

Her comment spurred a million ideas in my head that, unfortunately, weren't answers to her question. They were mostly self-defeating thoughts about how I looked 5 minutes before when my husband walked past my desk.

I glanced down and noticed I was still in my PJ's and slippers. I'd managed to put on a top, but l was only half-dressed in a not-so-sexy sort of way. Recalling how my husband just walked by without stopping for a kiss, I started to panic a little. Is he still attracted to me? Have I quit my game? When was the last time I got botox? Why does my ass feel flatter than normal right now? Am I equipped to answer this question?

Fortunately, I had an automatic recall of the night before when my husband pulled me into bed, and I was reminded that in some way or another, I still had sex appeal - thank god. But for my single client who doesn't have the luxury of a healthy marriage, trying to build sex appeal can be a real crisis.

I decided to start with the basics by explaining sex appeal to ensure we were on the same page.

"Sex appeal is when we have some trait or characteristic that causes people to become interested in us physically. But these traits and characteristics aren't necessarily the ones we think they are. It's easy to get lost on Instagram feeds and in TikTok videos, wondering if you're half as sexy as Kylie, Kim, Khole, or that girl you kind of stalk because you're obsessed with the way she looks. But, most people aren't actually attracted to the types of bodies that the media portrays as perfect.

People develop attraction based on past experiences, especially from their youth. Even though we might think in our minds that someone looks sexy, that doesn't mean we'll develop an animal instinct for them and want to rip their clothes off. For instance, if you were in 7th-grade biology class smack dab in the middle of puberty drooling over your teacher in his (or her) polyester pantsuit, coke bottle glasses, and leather clodhoppers, you may be more turned on by the nerdy type rather than Harry Styles and his washboard abs."

My client immediately perked up and said: "Well, that explains a lot!"

So I continued and told her:

"Having said that, bear in mind that your faded Dartmouth sweatshirt, messy bun, and coffee breath might just be someone's wet dream. There are, however, ways to build sex appeal, and they don't necessarily involve bandage dresses, botox, or big ass heels that make your legs look a mile long.

Keeping in mind that each individual has their own unique attraction criteria, your best bet is to start building confidence and charisma. Both of these traits are better developed in solitude at first, as being alone allows us to explore who we are without inhibition. The more we get to know who we really are, the more likely we are to express ourselves authentically and slip into our sensuality when we feel like it."

"Alright," she said. "So, how do I do that?"

"When it comes to sex appeal, it's easy to think of confidence as the perfect posture in a slinky party dress, but it's more likely to be an inner radiance. You're trying to create that glow from within rather than from the J-Lo bronzer you bought last week. To do this, you want to let go of what's no longer serving you. Heal what needs to be healed and start focusing on your personal growth and expansion. There's nothing sexier than a woman who's let go of her past and is rising into her future."

"Okay, I'm doing that, and I feel I have more confidence since I've committed to my healing journey." She replied.

"Indeed, you are! And you should embrace the progress you've made, own it and recognize that it's part of your appeal."

"Yeah, I mean, I guess it is, isn't it. So what about charisma?"

"A similar approach applies to building charisma or becoming a natural and magnetic charm. To be really charismatic, we have to be fully present when we engage with another person. This isn't easy if you're carrying a lot of emotional baggage, and that's why healing has so much to do with sex appeal. To practice being present, start paying attention to your full experience in any given activity. This will train you to focus on what's before you rather than worrying about what's around or behind you. Once you master this, showing someone they have your full attention becomes a breeze."

"I actually feel that. Like, I can see myself more confident and charismatic, which genuinely feels sexier. But be honest: you think the sweatshirt makes me look hot?"

(We both laugh)

"It's that smile that makes you look hot, love."