Have you heard about Robert Pattinson’s lockdown pasta dish?
I first heard about this hot topic on the hilarious pop-culture podcast Shameless by Australian duo Michelle Andrews and Zara McDonald (The anatomy of a Twitter war episode). If you’ve not heard about it already and are wondering what on earth we are talking about, here is everything you need to know about Robbo’s weird-ass pasta.
After getting straight online and doing an admittedly speedy bout of research, I managed to come across many, many articles on this. Why so many articles I hear you ask? To put it bluntly, our dear Twilight vampire has gone a bit whack-o in lockdown, and frankly, it’s really rather hilarious.
It all starts when Zach Baron from GQ interviews R Patz over a few days. The first mention of pasta comes in the interview when RP says that he tried to microwave pasta…why you ask? Well, yes, Rob, WHY? He begrudgingly admits it tastes disgusting. To then jazz up the interview, RP decides he and Zach should cook with each other on FaceTime. Props for imagination, I’ll admit. So off he pops to the corner shop to get his ingredients. Patz then goes onto to tell poor, confused Zach that he has had a business idea about pasta being less of a fast-food than say, a burger or a pizza, and that he often asks himself why shouldn’t we eat pasta in our hands. Yes, this is real.
Supposedly, he has taken his ‘idea’ to numerous LA restaurants, including Lele Massimini, and presented his business plan for hand held pasta. Much to his dismay, Massimini had zero reaction whatsoever.
Want to know what his pasta business creation is called? Piccolini Cuscino - literally meaning ‘little pillow’. It would be kind of cute if it was a company selling cushions for children, or some kind of comforting headwear. But the idea that slimy pasta in my hand would be named little pillow, leaves me concerned. For the business, for people’s hygiene, and for R Patz’s mental state.
He now takes out his corner shop purchases and shows them to Zach.
1 x “giant, filthy, dust-covered box of cornflakes” (because they are similar to breadcrumbs)
1 x “incredibly large novelty lighter” to flambé (yes, he really had the intention to flambé pasta)
9 x “packs of pre-sliced cheese” (9 is the magic number)
Sauce (any old sauce will do)
He then proceeds to put on LATEX GLOVES.
To summarise what happens next, I’m going to keep it brief, but in order of actions, Robert then attempts to: microwave his old penne pasta in a cereal bowl for 8 minutes, puts sugar, cheese and crumbled corn flakes on tin foil and chuck on some red sauce. The pasta, now part-cooked from the microwave, gets lumped in with the rest and more sugar lazily tossed on top. He then produces a hollowed out bun and places the top half on the pile of crap that’s trying to pass for food. With the bottom half, out comes the ‘large novelty lighter’ to give it a little heat and mark a wobbly P in the bread. At this point, one of the aforementioned latex gloves melts onto his hand, and he yelps in pain. The bottom bun goes onto the mixture and it all gets chucked in the oven. Hopefully to never be seen again.
If this story has made you think that Robert Pattinson has definitely lost it in lockdown, you could be correct. Although some have publicly wondered whether this is actually some kind of performance art or act of boredom. I sincerely hope it is, otherwise I think we should send someone over to Robbo’s house to make sure he’s not put tin foil in his microwave by accident.
The Piccolini Cuscino has now got so much traction online that people have started trying to make it for themselves, either because they too are mental, or are just so bored they’ll entertain themselves with anything; including wasting money on food that once cooked, will be frankly too disgusting to eat.
Buzzfeed India gave the recipe a whack on Youtube below, Max Benwell of The Guardian gave it a whirl, and you can find the recipe (would we even call it that?) on High Snobiety.
Read the full GQ interview here (Piccolini Cuscino makes an appearance towards the end, after a pic of Rob in a pinstriped suit looking like he might have just smoked a cheeky spliff).
